will people really appreciate what i had done for them?
sometimes i just wonder how people think of me?

am i a burden, a nuisance to everyone around me?

i haven been sleeping well lately. less than 5 hours of sleep and i got to wake up for work. and now i had fallen sick. but i still got to hang on. sometimes i wonder, have i been doing whatever that i wanna do? am i seeking the right way? or heading the wrong direction?

i had been feeling afraid these days. i'm not sure why even. i hate it. this is definitely not me. i dunno whats bothering me. where do i really stand among my friends? am i really such a disappointment? the path in front of me had suddenly become misty. i cant see where i am going. i had been worrying too much already. but i just cant help it.

i broke down. i kept myself alone. i didnt talk as much.

i cant even find the reason why i become this way.

everything started to go chaos since i graduated from ITE. i never wanna step into working life. i never was serious in my work. yet now i have to. i know all of us have to. because we are all going to work for like 40 years before we retire?

i miss my dad. sometimes i think back, why wasnt me the one who suffer for him? why wasnt i the one in pain? the one lying in ICU? why wasnt i the one who got into the accident?
i just wish i could take all these pain away for him, for my mum. i never thought all these will ever happen to me so fast. i know 1 day my parents will be gone, but i never expected so fast. i'm strong on the outside, but in fact, i'm just a little ger who wish to have her parent's love. the death of my father really hit me hard. i just wish i was the one whose life was taken away by the angel. at least i wont see the ugly side of many people around. and i wouldnt have known many other people as well. sometimes i thought dying was an easy job, but i got no courage to do it. friends ask me to cheer up and not go into depression, dun worry, i wont. i just wish to go to a far away place and never come back. right now, there's my mum and my brother. they are my biggest responsibility. and yet, i put many other things above them. the hatred of myself now becomes even deeper. many had said before, "u got to learn to love urself before u love others". haha. now? i beginning to hate myself. i did things i thought i should have done at first and i will regret it immediately after that. why is it so?

i cant help it.

i need to find myself bacl. i need to be strong again.

i wanna smile again but its so hard.

i dunno why it hurts when i read that blog. my mind ask me to take it easy but my heart is doing the opposite way. i had fallen hard. really hard. its a pit i had dug for myself.
when i broke up with him, i told myself i never be like this again. but now 1 year later, i'm experiencing the same thing. i'm so dumb. why should i even care?
we could have just remain friends all these while. why am i making all these shit to let myself suffer?

i gonna give up.

once i give up, i wont be the same me anymore.



dun blame me for whatever things had happened. but this is the real me.




on a happier note. i bought a new phone! yeah!